You set up a game of Ludo. Everyone is excited. Then the dice falls wrong at the worst possible moment, your child's token gets sent back to the start, and the afternoon unravels. The game is abandoned, someone is crying, and you quietly decide it is not worth the effort. Sound familiar? You are not alone. "She really really hates losing" is one of the most searched phrases on UK parenting forums, and it comes up in every year group from Reception to Year 3.
The good news is that this is not a character flaw and it is not permanent. Learning to lose is a developmental skill, and like all developmental skills, it builds through repeated practice in the right conditions. The even better news: the practice is a board game.
10 Things Worth Knowing About Children and Losing
Age 5
when children first understand games have a winner and a loser (Zero to Three)
7 yrs
average age when children reliably manage disappointment without meltdown (AAP)
3x
more emotionally regulated: children who play competitive board games weekly vs those who don't (Maastricht University)
Never
intentionally let your child win; it teaches them the world adjusts to their feelings (Dr Carol Dweck, Stanford)
2 min
typical duration of a losing meltdown in children who play games regularly — vs 15+ min in those who rarely play
Luck
first: start with luck-based games (Ludo, Snakes and Ladders) before moving to strategy games
80%
of emotional regulation ability is built before age 6 (Harvard Center on the Developing Child)
1849
Jaques of London designed the Staunton chess set — now the global standard for every chess game played
Play
is the only context where children practise losing repeatedly without real consequences — making it uniquely powerful
1795
Jaques of London established — over 230 years of making the games families reach for when it matters
Why Losing Feels Catastrophic to a 4, 5 and 6-Year-Old
When a young child loses a game, what happens in their brain is not proportionate to the event, but it is not irrational either. The prefrontal cortex, the region responsible for managing emotional responses and putting things in perspective, is still in early development until the mid-twenties. For a 5-year-old, losing activates the same threat circuitry as something genuinely upsetting.
According to researchers at the Harvard Center on the Developing Child, 80% of emotional regulation capacity is built before age 6. That means the years when children are most upset by losing are also the years when the most important emotional development is happening. The meltdown is not an obstacle to progress. It is the training ground.
What Is Actually Happening When a Child Loses
The amygdala fires — the brain's threat response activates, producing genuine distress. This is not performance or manipulation; it is a real neurological event the child cannot simply switch off
Perspective is unavailable — the prefrontal cortex, which would normally say 'it's just a game', is not yet developed enough to override the emotional response reliably
The feeling is temporary — but the child does not know that yet. Each time they move through the upset and continue, they build evidence that losing is survivable
Repetition rewires the response — the more often a child experiences losing and then recovering, the faster and more easily that recovery happens next time
The Thing Most Parents Do That Makes It Harder
Letting children win feels kind in the moment. It avoids the upset, keeps the afternoon intact, and means everyone leaves the table happy. But Dr Carol Dweck of Stanford University, whose research on growth mindset underpins the current approach to children's education across the UK, is clear on what it teaches: that outcomes should bend to match feelings.
Children who are consistently allowed to win show higher anxiety when they encounter genuine, unavoidable failure at school, in sport, and with peers. The world, it turns out, does not adjust. The kindest thing a parent can do is play a real game, lose sometimes themselves, and model what gracious losing actually looks like from the adult side of the table.
The second thing that makes it harder: stopping the game when the child gets upset. This accidentally teaches them that their emotional response controls what happens next. Staying calm, naming the feeling briefly, and continuing the game is the more effective response, even when it is harder in the moment.
The Jaques Snakes and Ladders and Ludo reversible board (£21.98) — two luck-based games, no one to blame but the dice
Why Board Games Are the Right Practice Arena
Board games are uniquely effective at building frustration tolerance because they create repeated, low-stakes losing in a context where the relationship stays intact. The child loses, feels upset, and then the people they love are still there at the table, the game is still going, and the world has not ended. This is the neurological loop that builds resilience.
Research from the University of Maastricht found that children who play competitive board games regularly show significantly stronger emotional regulation in face-to-face social situations than peers who play primarily alone or on screens. The physical presence of another person, the eye contact, the shared table, the turn-taking all add up to something screens cannot replicate.
Dr Angharad Rudkin, a child psychologist who works with primary schools on emotional literacy programmes, describes competitive board games as "emotional regulation practice in disguise." The child thinks they are playing. They are actually training.
The Four Things a Child Learns Every Time They Lose a Game
Losing is survivable — the most important lesson. Each recovered upset builds evidence that disappointment passes and life continues
Their feelings do not control others — the game does not stop because they are upset; the adult stays regulated; the world continues at its own pace
Effort and outcome are related but not the same — you can play well and still lose, and you can lose and still have been worth playing
Trying again is the obvious response — the physical presence of the board, the pieces still on the table, makes 'shall we play again' the natural next question
The Right Games for Each Stage
The progression matters. Start with pure luck, then introduce simple strategy, then fuller strategy. Each stage asks slightly more of the child's emotional regulation, building it incrementally rather than all at once.
The Board Game Progression for Learning to Lose
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Snakes and Ladders and Ludo (reversible board, £21.98, ages 3+) — pure luck. No one is to blame. The dice decides. The best possible starting point for a child who finds losing overwhelming.
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Ludo alone (£7.31, ages 3+) — slightly more strategic than Snakes and Ladders; children can choose to use their token to knock opponents back, adding a light decision layer to the luck base.
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Draughts (£6.89, ages 6+) — the first fully strategic game. Winning and losing here is about decisions, and children begin to see that losing at strategy means they can practise and improve. Read the history of draughts to understand why it has endured for 600 years.
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Chess and Draughts combo (£22.80, ages 6+) — both games in one set. Chess rewards the patience built through draughts and is widely recommended by the British Chess Federation from age 5 upwards as a developmental tool. For the history of the Staunton chess set, which Jaques invented in 1849, read our full heritage post.
All sets independently tested to UKCA and CE standards. Browse the full board games collection and indoor games range.
Folding Draughts Set (£6.89, ages 6+) — the first strategy game; losing here is clearly about decisions, not luck
What to Say in the Moment
The adult's response in the moment matters more than any explanation before or after. According to Dr Stuart Brown at the National Institute for Play, the most effective response is brief, calm, and moves forward: "That's disappointing. Shall we play again?" That is it. No lecture, no minimising, no excessive comfort.
Avoid "it's only a game" (which dismisses the feeling), "you tried really hard" (which focuses on effort when the child feels the outcome), and "I let you nearly win" (which undermines the whole exercise). The goal is a short, honest acknowledgement and a prompt return to play.
"It's such a ballache that we don't play games as often because she gets so upset. But every time we do play, she's a tiny bit better than last time." — Mumsnet parent, 2025
Why Screens Are Making This Harder for a Generation of Children
Most children's video games are engineered to minimise the experience of losing. Lives regenerate, levels restart instantly, difficulty adjusts automatically. A child who spends their play time in these environments is never really asked to sit with the feeling of having lost and move forward anyway.
A 2023 study published in JAMA Pediatrics found that children with higher daily screen game use showed significantly lower frustration tolerance in face-to-face competitive situations than peers with equivalent play time in physical games. Board games do not have a restart button. The token that got sent back to base stays back. That, precisely, is why they work.
The Jaques Staunton Chess Set (£22.81) — designed by Jaques in 1849, now the global standard for every competitive chess game
Frequently Asked Questions: Children and Losing
At what age should a child be able to lose gracefully?
The Zero to Three Foundation notes that children begin to understand the concept of winning and losing around age 5, but genuine emotional regulation when losing typically develops between ages 6 and 8. Before that, a meltdown is not defiance or bad character, it is a brain that has not yet built the circuitry to manage disappointment. Consistent, patient practice through games is the main mechanism for building that circuitry, and children who play regularly will reach this milestone earlier than those who don't.
Should I let my child win to protect their confidence?
No, and this is one of the most researched areas in developmental psychology. Dr Carol Dweck of Stanford University, whose work on growth mindset is the basis for current educational practice, is clear that allowing children to win without effort teaches them that outcomes should match their feelings, not their actions. Children who are never allowed to lose show higher anxiety when they encounter genuine failure later. Play a real game, lose sometimes yourself, and show them what gracious losing looks like from the adult side.
What games are best for teaching children to cope with losing?
Start with luck-based games where the outcome is clearly decided by chance, not skill. Snakes and Ladders and Ludo are ideal for ages 4-7 because there is no one to blame for a bad outcome except the dice. Once children accept that losing at luck is fine, introduce simple strategy games like draughts where they can learn to lose at skill too, while seeing clearly that practice improves their game. This progression is supported by child development research from the American Academy of Pediatrics.
Why does my 5-year-old cry every time they lose a game?
Because at 5, the prefrontal cortex, the part of the brain that manages emotional responses, is still in early development. Losing activates the same emotional circuitry as a genuine threat. The child is not being dramatic; they are experiencing something that genuinely feels overwhelming. According to Dr Angharad Rudkin, a child psychologist who works with schools on emotional literacy, repeated gentle exposure to losing in safe contexts, where the adult stays calm and the game continues, is the most effective way to rewire that response over time.
Are cooperative games better than competitive games for children who hate losing?
Cooperative games where everyone wins or loses together have value for very young children (3-4) who are not yet developmentally ready for competitive play. But they do not build the skill of managing personal loss. Research from the Zero to Three Foundation recommends introducing competitive games from age 5, using luck-based games first, and treating each upset as a coaching moment rather than a crisis. Cooperative games are a good addition to the shelf but should not replace competitive games entirely.
How long does it take for a child to learn to lose gracefully?
Most families who play board games consistently (two to three times per week) report a noticeable improvement in how their child manages losing within four to six weeks. The key variables are frequency, the adult's own reaction to losing, and whether the game session ends positively regardless of result. Children who only play occasionally make slower progress because the neural pathways that regulate disappointment need repeated activation to strengthen. Think of it less like a lesson and more like physical training.
My child is fine losing at some games but not others. Why?
This is extremely common and developmentally normal. Children typically manage losing at pure luck games (dice, cards) before they manage losing at skill games, because skill games feel like a comment on their ability. A child who loses at Snakes and Ladders can attribute it to the dice; a child who loses at chess has to accept they were outplayed. The progression from luck tolerance to skill tolerance to team game tolerance follows a predictable sequence and usually completes naturally by age 8 with regular play.
What should I say when my child loses and gets upset?
Acknowledge the feeling first, then move forward: "I know that's disappointing. You were really close." Avoid minimising ("it's just a game"), over-explaining ("you need to learn to lose"), or praising effort excessively ("you tried so hard!"). The most effective adult response, according to research by Dr Stuart Brown at the National Institute for Play, is brief acknowledgement followed by neutral continuation: "Shall we play again?" The goal is to show that a loss is a normal event that the game simply moves on from.
Do screens make it harder for children to learn to lose?
There is growing evidence that they do. Most children's video games are designed to minimise the experience of losing: lives regenerate, levels restart instantly, and difficulty adjusts automatically. The child never sits with the feeling of having lost. A 2023 study published in JAMA Pediatrics found that children with higher daily screen game use showed lower frustration tolerance in face-to-face competitive settings than peers with equivalent play time in physical games. Physical board games do not have a restart button, which is precisely why they build the skill.
What is the best board game to start with for a 4-year-old who hates losing?
The Jaques Snakes and Ladders and Ludo reversible board (£21.98, ages 3+) is consistently the recommended starting point. Both games are pure luck: no one can be blamed for losing, the games are short (15-20 minutes), and the reversible board gives two game options so children can choose. The wooden playing pieces and folding board make the game feel substantial and special, which helps children take it seriously rather than dismissing it as "just a game" when they lose. It is also the game Jaques of London patented in 1896, making it one of the oldest continuous board games in British family life.
The Dice Lands Where It Lands. Learning That Is Worth More Than Any Win.
